Crazy Stupid Healing was born from my journey —but also from grace, growth, and God’s faithfulness.

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A few years back, I prayed several desperate, gut-wrenching prayers. The kind that go something like:
“God, if this isn’t for me—take it away. I don’t have the strength to walk away on my own.”

I didn’t expect Him to answer it the way He did.
Quick. Unforgiving. Final...or so I thought.

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A year after that first prayer, my world literally collapsed overnight.
And in many ways, I did too.

I had finally stood up for myself.  I had turned the tables, demanded answers, gone to 'fight for a relationship' that I was punished for NOT fighting for for years...The night ended with me calling 911 and spending ten hours in a jail cell.  A place I'd never been...coming to the realization that this was the only way God could have done what I'd been asking for so long.  I had been taping conversations for over a year to prove I wasn't crazy. To figure out where the breakdown in communication was...to figure out how what should have been a calm conversation always seemed to turn into a angry tirade of verbal abuse and gaslighting.. I didn't understand how someone I once thought was such an incredible person, could turn on a dime so quickly...then switch back when anyone else was around, as though nothing happened....little did I know, those recordings would ultimately be another blessing.

 

Long story short, after giving my evidence to the District Attorney (before AI), including an affidavit from my ex husband stating that in 22 years of marriage I'd never been violent with him or my children, and letters from a trauma therapist who was trying to help me devise a safe plan to leave my situation, the charges were dropped by the District Attorney and everything was expunged.  In my state, only the DA can drop charges after they've been filed. 

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Six months later, in my own 'infinite wisdom'....feeling like I didn't want to live in unforgiveness...and after numerous attempts to contact me...

 

I went back.

 

Even after God had opened the door and given me an escape, I chose the familiar pain.

 

Proverbs 26:11

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I chose illusion over truth.
I wanted to believe in "love" again.
I didn’t trust myself.
I still wanted to be the agreeable one.

But it got worse.

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The second time around, everything became more distorted. More painful.

More confusing.
Because it wasn’t what God wanted for me.
And deep down, I knew it.

I was living in a space of hope deferred.
Proverbs 13:12:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

My heart was sick.
Not just from what was happening, but everything that preceded it...from the slow erosion of trust.
Trust in God.
Trust in people.
Trust in myself.

And this pain was different.

I’ve walked through a lot in my life, and still thrived...

The death of my father when I was 13.
Watching my children suffer through genetic illnesses no one can fix.
A divorce after 22 years of trying to make it work.

But this one was different.  It took me completely out of myself. 
I didn’t listen to my first instinct. The one I had when he first contacted me online. The one I had when he told me he loved me the fourth time he saw me. And all the ones I had when each crack started to show and I was already head over heels.  I mistook the red flags for chemistry.  I wanted to believe that maybe I was just being cynical.  I was punished for not 'fighting'...then punished more when I fought.
I didn’t wait. I didn't walk away when I should have. 
I knew it wasn’t right, and I didn’t want to make waves.

I didn’t want to be alone.
I wanted to believe it could be different this time.

 

But love without truth isn’t love.
And peace built on eggshells isn’t peace.

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The harder I tried to fix it, the more broken it became.
I didn’t know how to respond without reacting.
I was stuck in fight-or-flight.
I kept trying to reason, explain, clarify—but it only created more fuel for manipulation.
It was like dancing with smoke. You can’t grab it. You can’t contain it. You just get consumed.

BUT God—faithful, unrelenting—kept nudging me. 

Revealing truth after truth.  Uncovering lie after lie...until I couldn't fight it...I couldn't deny it. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with someone who turned the tables and played victim.  I didn't feel like being bullied anymore. I didn't feel like arguing about the exes who were blocked and still chatting with him. I  didn't feel like defending him against his ex and her accusations.  I realized I'd been played. But it didn't matter anymore.
I was done.

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I was ridiculed, mocked, smeared, continually contacted behind the scenes... along with my family,  and even offered the money withheld from me for a job that I had left a steady job for. But I knew that God was faithful. I'd seen it over and over. 

 

I stayed gone.

I detached from mutual acquaintances and anyone who enabled.

I took inventory of my life and the people in it and adjusted accordingly.

I was gossiped about.
Lied about.
Judged by people who never once sat with me. Never once asked, “Hey, what really happened?”

This was my punishment for leaving.  

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And that’s a whole other kind of grief.
Because I not only lost a relationship I thought was real…
I lost credibility in rooms I'd never even entered.

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I had been keeping secrets, screen shots, recordings and 'proof' for years, but I knew making it public would be viewed as an attack more than a correction. When I endured what I endured, I endured quietly, hoping things would change....but they didn't...and I was angry.  People knew, heard, and saw the truth....but I had to wait for God to rectify it.

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I thought after I left, there would be peace.  But that would have only been the case had it been a normal relationship that simply wasn't working....the kind that ends with 'thank you'.  Mine was never going to end that way.  And I couldn't unsee the things I'd seen or unknow the patterns and cycles that I'd come to know all too well.  When the last blow was finally dealt, God gave me peace in an instant...and I knew I would never go back.

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I was wounded.

But God reminded me who I was.

I had no voice.
But God restored it.

I thought I couldn’t face the truth.
But God gave me strength I didn’t know I had, and people who needed my story as much as I needed to tell it.

I was abandoned, torn down, hurt emotionally, physically, financially. Humiliated. Degraded. Abused. And God let me feel it all.  
But He never left.

His Plans Are Still Good, even when WE make bad choices!

Jeremiah 29:11 says:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."

Even when I made choices that delayed my healing…
Even when I stayed longer than I should have…
Even when I didn’t listen—

Through the pain, the anger, the bitterness...
His plan never changed.

He still had a future for me.
He still had a way out.
And when I couldn’t open the door myself, He blew it off the hinges.

Healing isn’t always gentle.
Sometimes, it looks like being ripped out of the arms of what’s destroying you.

I learned that when God is pushing you out the door, don’t fight Him.

He’s not trying to hurt you.
Sometimes, he’s trying to save you.

He's showing you a new way.
And even if no one believes you…
Even if your story is twisted by others…
Even if it feels like you’ve lost everything—
God will redeem it.
God will restore you.
God will use even this.

You’re never too far gone.
You didn’t mess up God’s plan...you do not have that kind of power.
You’re not alone in this.

Because what the enemy means for evil,
God is already turning for good.

If you're reading this, I hope something here resonates with you.  

You matter.  You can heal.  God is good and HE loves YOU!! He CAN change any situation! 

Wishing you MUCH love!

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